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We take eating seriously.
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I dare anyone to claim they can out consume us. Go ahead, bring it on, just make sure it comes with a side of fries.
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There is nothing like waking up to the din of a 135,000 lb M1-A1, turbine-powered tank rolling through your neighborhood at 5 am. 'Howdy, we're Americans. Consider yourselves invaded... bitches.'
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You think you like doughnuts? You think you like hamburgers? Well F you. I'll eat 'em both at the same time. And I won't die of a heart attack because I'm not a pussy.
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The entire world loves "football." We don't. So we told the rest of the world to screw their wimpy "football," gave it a nonsense name like "soccer," made it a kids' game that everyone's embarassed to play after the age of 12, invented a new game that's so much more bad-ass that the rest of the world doesn't even attempt it, and said, "Hey, Pierre, this is football."
Euros have epilectic seizures when they look at the 2012 Olympic logo picturing Lisa Simpson giving some purple dude a bj.
Americans could stare at this logo at 2:30 am on a Tuesday, while tripping on Acid in the middle of a rave with some crazy trance version of Saturday Night Fever blasting in the background, in the meantime eating a three-day old borracho taco (see 'We take our eating seriously') from Super Burrito. Why? There is no medical explanation, other than that Americans are awesome.
1. Which is more, liter or gallon? gallon -- global warming is a myth.
2. Which is longer, centimeter or inch? inch -- we're bigger and know it.
3. Which is less, pound or kilogram? pound -- we don't need no wussie system just to make ourselves feel skinny, Frenchie!
4. What is one of the only two remaining countries in the world that doesn't need the metric system? America! Because we don't give a fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck!
Here's the deal. We don't play these sports. We won't ever play these sports. We only play sports we can win at. And if you feel like you are in the mood to start beating us at one of OUR sports, we'll place an embargo on yo ass!
'The system shoots a beam of energy that makes people feel they are about to catch fire.'
Only Americans are so ingenuitive that we would think something like this up. Even better, we managed to put a spin on it that we need this in order to save people's lives. We are bad ass engineers and we are bad as product marketers.
We watch more television per capita than any county in the world. Is that a proper use of per capita? Even if it's not, you know what I mean. Oh, and we eat while we watch, taking us back to the consumption.
